Work Frenemies and Red Flags When It is Time to Walk Away

Oct 7

9 min read

Some people do not stab you in the back at work. They use a teaspoon, smile while doing it, and ask if you saw their “quick email” from 11:47 pm.

Welcome to the curious world of work frenemies.

They praise you in meetings, then quietly remove your name from the good bit. They call you “mate”, but their tone has the warmth of a self-service checkout rejecting your perfectly normal bag layout. They offer “feedback”, which somehow feels like being lightly slapped with a laminated policy document.

Work relationships can be brilliant. A good colleague can make a long day feel survivable. They share context, snacks, and the sacred knowledge of which printer actually works. But the wrong people can twist your confidence into origami.

So, how do you tell the difference between normal workplace tension and a situation that is quietly eating your soul for lunch?

Let’s talk red flags, work frenemies, and the moment when staying professional means planning your exit.

What is a work frenemy?

A work frenemy is someone who acts friendly enough to avoid suspicion, but whose behaviour repeatedly undermines, drains, blocks, or confuses you.

They are not always cartoon villains. They rarely wear a cape made of poor intentions. Sometimes they are charming. Sometimes they are senior. Sometimes they bring excellent biscuits, which is rude because now the situation is morally complicated.

A work frenemy might:

Support you publicly, then criticise you privately to others.
Ask for help, then take full credit.
Share “advice” that makes you doubt yourself.
Withhold useful information, then act surprised when you struggle.
Turn small mistakes into breaking news.

The key word is pattern.

Everyone has bad days. People get stressed, blunt, distracted, or weird around deadlines. That does not automatically make them toxic. A red flag appears when the same behaviour keeps happening, even after you have tried to deal with it.

One awkward interaction is a pothole. A repeated pattern is a road closure.

Red flags that deserve your attention

Some workplace issues are annoying but manageable. Others are signs that your role, team, or organisation may be doing real damage to your confidence and career.

Here are the red flags worth noticing before they become wallpaper.

They make you feel guilty for having boundaries

A healthy workplace understands that people are not rechargeable office furniture.

If someone reacts badly every time you say no, leave on time, ask for clarity, or protect your workload, pay attention. Boundaries are not dramatic. They are the human version of a phone case. They stop daily life from cracking the screen.

Watch for phrases like:

“I thought you were a team player.”
“Everyone else manages.”
“It will only take five minutes.”
“Can you just jump on this tonight?”

Translation, in many cases: “Please ignore your own needs so I do not have to plan properly.”

Of course, work sometimes gets busy. Graduates and early-career professionals often want to prove themselves, and that is understandable. But proving yourself should not require donating your evenings to someone else’s poor time management.

If every “urgent” task mysteriously lands on your plate at 4:58 pm, that is not a career opportunity. That is a trap wearing a lanyard.

Feedback feels personal, vague, or impossible to use

Good feedback helps you improve. Bad feedback makes you feel like you have been handed a fog machine and asked to build a staircase.

Useful feedback sounds like:

“The report needs more evidence in section two.”
“Next time, send the summary before the meeting.”
“Your analysis is strong, but the recommendation needs to be clearer.”

Unhelpful feedback sounds like:

“You need to be more polished.”
“Your attitude is off.”
“You are not quite fitting in.”
“Just be more strategic.”

If feedback is vague, ask for examples. Calmly. Politely. Repeatedly if needed.

Try:

“Thanks, I want to improve. Could you give me one specific example of what you mean, and what good would look like next time?”

That sentence is a tiny professional umbrella. It will not stop every storm, but it does make nonsense harder to throw at you.

If they cannot give examples, keep changing the target, or criticise your personality instead of your work, that is a red flag.

Your success makes them uncomfortable

A secure colleague celebrates your progress. An insecure one treats your success like a suspicious smell in the lift.

They may downplay your achievements, “forget” to mention your contribution, or suddenly become very interested in checking your work once others start noticing you.

This can be especially confusing early in your career. You might think, “Have I done something wrong?” Maybe not. Sometimes your only crime is being competent near someone who wanted the room to themselves.

A work frenemy might say:

“Don’t get too excited, it was only a small project.”
“I helped with most of that, remember?”
“Management just likes fresh faces.”
“Interesting that they picked you.”

That last one deserves a small internal siren.

You do not need to make yourself smaller because someone else is allergic to your growth. Their discomfort is not a performance review.

You are always walking on eggshells

A tense workplace does not always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks polite. Quiet. Normal from the outside.

But inside, you constantly check your tone, re-read emails like legal documents, and rehearse basic conversations in your kitchen while the kettle judges you.

That level of mental load is exhausting.

The Health and Safety Executive recognises work-related stress as a serious issue in the UK, with common causes including demands, control, support, relationships, role, and change. In plain English, if your work setup leaves you constantly anxious, unsupported, or confused about what is expected, it is not “just part of adulting”. It is a problem.

No job should require you to become a full-time emotional weather presenter.

“Today’s forecast, mild dread with a chance of passive-aggressive email by lunch.”

Mistakes are used as weapons

In a decent workplace, mistakes become learning points. In a bad one, mistakes become museum exhibits.

If a colleague or manager keeps bringing up old errors long after they were resolved, that is not accountability. That is stockpiling.

Healthy accountability sounds like:

“Here is what happened.”
“Here is how we prevent it next time.”
“Let’s move forward.”

Unhealthy blame sounds like:

“This is typical.”
“I knew this would happen.”
“Remember when you did that other thing three months ago?”

Everyone makes mistakes. Especially when they are new, learning, or juggling too much. A culture that punishes honesty pushes people to hide problems. That helps no one, except perhaps the person who enjoys being feared, and they need a hobby.

You are excluded from information you need

Being left out of useful information is one of the sneakiest workplace red flags.

You are expected to deliver the thing, but no one told you the thing changed, moved, grew extra legs, or was due yesterday.

Then, when you ask about it, someone says, “Oh, didn’t you know?”

No, Sandra. That is rather the theme.

Information hoarding creates dependence. It lets one person control the room without looking openly aggressive. It can make a capable person look unprepared.

If this happens, protect yourself in writing. Not in a dramatic “as per my last email” way, unless absolutely necessary and after a strong cup of tea. Use simple records.

For example:

“Thanks for confirming. To make sure I have this right, the deadline is Thursday, the priority is the client summary, and the figures will come from the finance update. Please let me know if I have missed anything.”

Clean. Calm. Useful.

Documentation is not petty. It is a seatbelt.

When to try fixing it

Not every red flag means you need to launch yourself towards the exit like a startled cat.

Some issues can improve. People misunderstand each other. Teams go through messy patches. New managers learn, often loudly and near your inbox.

Before deciding to leave, try a few practical steps if it feels safe to do so.

Name the behaviour, not the personality

Avoid “You are undermining me.” That may be true, but it can turn the conversation into a courtroom drama.

Try:

“In yesterday’s meeting, my part of the project was presented without my name attached. I’d like us to agree how contributions are shared going forward.”

Specific behaviour. Clear request. No emotional fireworks.

Keep a brief record

Write down dates, examples, witnesses, and impact. Keep it factual.

Do not write, “Evil goblin from accounts ruined my morning.”

Tempting, yes. Useful, no.

Write:

What happened.
When it happened.
Who was involved.
What was said or agreed.
How it affected your work.

This helps if you need to speak to a manager, mentor, or human resources contact. It also helps you check whether the problem is occasional irritation or a genuine pattern.

Find safe allies

One grounded person can change your perspective.

Speak to someone sensible. Not the office gossip with a reusable coffee cup and six breaking news updates before 10 am. Choose someone calm, discreet, and fair.

A mentor, trusted manager, careers adviser, or professional contact can help you separate a fixable issue from a major warning sign.

ACAS, the UK workplace advice service, also offers guidance on handling problems at work, including bullying, grievances, and difficult conversations. If things feel serious, knowing your options matters.

When it is time to walk away

Walking away is not failure. Sometimes it is strategy wearing comfortable shoes.

There is a strange pressure, especially early on, to “stick it out”. Resilience is praised, which is fine, but resilience does not mean sitting quietly in a burning room because the chair has career potential.

Here are signs it may be time to plan your exit.

Your health is taking the hit

If work is affecting your sleep, appetite, mood, confidence, or ability to enjoy life outside work, listen to that data.

Your body often files the report before your brain accepts the findings.

Dreading Monday every week is not a personality trait. Crying in the toilet at lunch is not a development opportunity. Feeling constantly on edge is not ambition.

Work matters. So does being able to function as a human with hobbies, friends, laundry, and at least one meal that is not eaten over a keyboard.

Nothing changes after you raise it

You tried being clear. You stayed professional. You asked for support. You documented examples. You suggested solutions.

Still, the behaviour continues.

At that point, the issue is not your communication style. It is the environment.

A workplace that hears concerns and does nothing has made a choice. You can make one too.

Your values are being squeezed

Sometimes the red flag is not one person. It is the whole setup.

Maybe the organisation rewards whoever shouts loudest. Maybe people are praised for working silly hours. Maybe honesty is punished and pretending is promoted. Maybe every meeting feels like a competition to see who can say the least with the most confidence.

If you feel yourself becoming someone you do not like, pause.

A career should stretch you, not slowly replace your personality with a beige spreadsheet.

This is where career planning matters. Not fluffy vision-board stuff, though if stickers help, crack on. Real planning means knowing what you want, what you will tolerate, and what you will no longer explain away.

That mindset works whether you want a graduate role, a corporate career, public sector work, creative life, or the freedom of becoming an entrepreneur. The point is not to make the perfect choice forever. It is to make a better next choice on purpose.

How to leave without setting fire to the bridge

Tempting as it is to leave with a dramatic speech and a printer thrown into the emotional sea, keep it clean.

You do not need to burn the bridge. You can simply stop paying rent on it.

Before you resign, do the practical bits:

Update your CV while the details are fresh.
Save examples of work you are allowed to keep.
Connect with people you trust.
Check your notice period.
Line up references where possible.
Keep your resignation short and professional.

You do not owe a full documentary.

A simple reason is enough:

“I’ve decided to move on to a role that better fits my career goals.”

That sentence does so much work while wearing sensible shoes.

If you have an exit interview, be honest but measured. Focus on patterns and impact, not personal attacks. You are not there to win a final argument. You are there to leave with your dignity, your records, and ideally no group chat screenshot circulating by 5 pm.

Choose your future before someone else shrinks it

Work frenemies thrive in confusion. Red flags grow when you keep explaining them away. The antidote is clarity.

Notice the pattern. Trust the evidence. Ask for what you need. Protect your energy. Then decide whether the place you are in deserves the person you are becoming.

A good role should challenge you, not leave you in chronic dread. Good colleagues should sharpen your thinking, not sand down your confidence. And good career decisions rarely arrive with a marching band. More often, they start with one quiet sentence:

“I do not have to stay to be stuck here.”

If you are ready to think seriously about what comes next, explore the tools and support from iPlan MyFuture.

Your career is not a loyalty card. You do not get bonus points for enduring nonsense. Choose the room that lets you grow, breathe, and do your best work without needing a fake smile and a survival snack in your drawer.

You can access more information/guidance/ebooks can be accessed here.